


2% Homo

by erisolsprite



Category: Homestuck
Genre: M/M, Pesterlog, Pointless Shit, slightly ooc and just really gay
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-07-19
Updated: 2013-07-19
Packaged: 2017-12-20 16:28:20
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,764
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/889395
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/erisolsprite/pseuds/erisolsprite
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>(This is absolutely the stupidest shit you will ever read but it's also funny and really fuckin cute so if you have about three minutes of your day to waste then sure, read it. The beginning is mind-numbingly stupid, but see it through and it might surprise a smile out of you.)</p><p>John and Dave talk about stupid shit for a while and deny (badly) that they really like each other and eventually just call bullshit and start going out.</p>
            </blockquote>





	2% Homo

**Author's Note:**

> These conversations have been cut from real chatlogs between my boyfriend and I. Only the names (and typing quirks) were edited. This is actually how we started dating. We are stupid gay dorks.
> 
> ps i am really sorry that he uses the word "swaggy" unironically

(Once upon a time, Dave left his hometown to attend a My Little Pony convention...)  
EB: Hey there!  
TG: hey  
EB: How's con!?  
TG: it hasnt started yet  
TG: but there are already bronies all over  
EB: okay awesome i'm sorrry but i have to go  
EB: fireworks soon  
TG: thats okay bro wants to go get dinner soon  
TG: but have fun

(Back home, his best bro John was enjoying the Fourth of July and watching too much anime...)  
TG: im back whenever you are  
EB: hey!  
TG: how were the fireworks  
EB: lovely!  
EB: and i finally got to meet Kanaya.  
TG: oh cool rose mentioned she was gonna visit  
EB: i'm now watching Attack On Titan...  
TG: oh man I really need to watch that  
TG: and free  
EB: You guys are dragging me back into my anime phase wtf  
TG: hahahaha  
TG: oh yeah also i lost my voice  
TG: right before con  
EB: ohh sweetie...  
TG: bluhhh  
TG: i hope its at least endearing and not just stupid  
EB: i'm sure it is  
EB: are you able to talk at all?  
TG: a little  
EB: or are you suddenly mute!twilight sparkle  
EB: hehe

(later, after an extensively silly conversation that was not only pointless, but partly in russian...)  
EB: huehuehuehue  
EB: *waggles eyebrows*  
TG: *wonks*  
EB: wink womk  
EB: w o n k  
TG: did you really just make a typo when you tried to write wonk  
EB: lil bit  
TG: uuuu  
EB: u?  
TG: no u  
EB: o////o  
TG: im going to watch another episode of aot  
TG: and you should get your sleep doofus  
EB: Yeah you're probably right  
EB: okay well sleep well  
TG: okay goodnight  
EB: Night! <3

(really what are these two dorks even doing half the time)  
EB: I'm so sorry you lost your voice totally!  
TG: thats okay  
TG: its annoying but ill live  
EB: but are you having fun at con? or is it ehh  
TG: its  
TG: ehhhh  
TG: id rather be back with the gang frankly  
EB: we missed you on the fourth!  
TG: i missed you guys too  
EB: how much longer are you gone?  
TG: ill be back monday night  
EB: so long...  
TG: tell me about it  
TG: are you free next week at all  
EB: yep!  
TG: cool  
TG: we should do a thing  
EB: i don't know what days i have work, but there will certainly be some where i'm free  
EB: so yes  
EB: a thing  
TG: sweet  
EB: a thing that should include a) attack on titan and b) pillow forts  
TG: a+ to both of those things holy shit  
EB: jade and i had a marathon  
TG: oh lordy  
EB: i just want one of the AoT uniforms  
EB: i don't even need to be a character  
EB: just... the uniform  
TG: yeah they look pretty darn swaggy  
EB: so swaggy  
EB: they look good on anyone  
TG: theyre hella cute  
EB: but really depending on the character they can go from ultra-manly badass fighting gear to hella kawaii shota-ninja  
EB: i'm afraid mine might turn out as the latter  
TG: nah man  
TG: i mean as hella kawaii as you are anyway i think the former would be the thing that is true  
EB: oh my  
TG: whispers kawaii  
EB: *dokis*  
TG: dokis back  
EB: whoops we're doing that thing again  
TG: what thing  
TG: i dont know what youre talking about  
EB: nope neither do i nevermind  
EB: :B  
(they are so madly in love how fuckin stupid are they?)

TG: I took a ridiculous number of selfies this con  
EB: yes good  
TG: thats what webcams are for  
EB: ily  
TG: ily2  
EB: *doki*  
TG: actually  
TG: speakin a dokis  
Tg: is it true you got a big whoppin crush on a person  
EB: *ollies the fuck out*  
EB: what  
EB: nope  
TG: hahaha  
TG: ye  
TG: if you dont wanna say who or anything i wont push you to  
TG: but like  
TG: das kawaii  
EB: it's really not  
TG: ?  
TG: sorry for laughing if it's a sore spot  
EB: no no!  
EB: it is funny  
EB: sorry i have to go!  
EB: we're going to dinner!  
TG: oh alright  
EB: sorry, be back later!  
TG: cool imma go get some food too  
TG: ttyl bby

(and here we have classic dave...)  
TG: i have returned  
TG: whenever you get back  
TG:  
TG: it's been some nice weather here  
TG: bet its nice in seattle  
TG: yep  
TG:  
TG: so ronery  
TG: *starts singing quietly*  
TG:  
TG: did you hear about the cross eyed teacher who lost her job  
TG: she couldn't control her pupils  
TG: get it  
TG:  
TG: pupils  
TG:  
TG: ...o-bla-di o-bla-da  
TG: life goes on, brah!  
TG: lala how the life goes on...  
TG:  
TG: do aloe vera plants need a lot of water to stay all juicy  
TG: or do they not need water because their leaves are meant for a desert environment  
TG: these are serious questions john  
TG:  
TG: i could totally go for some cheesecake right now  
TG:  
TG: if you come back and all these messages are just sitting here i am so sorry  
TG: they might just disappear though  
TG: i think that is the first time i've ever spelled disappear right on the first attempt  
TG:  
TG: why the fuck do you even hang out with me  
TG: i really lack the ability to shut up  
TG: hi im dave strider  
TG: and ill just talk to an empty chat for an hour  
TG: its okay ive also been talking to other people  
TG:  
TG: that was a lie  
TG: i miss you  
TG: (gay the wind whispered)  
TG: (gaaay)  
TG:  
TG: why cant pluto be a planet  
TG:  
TG: sorry  
TG:  
TG: goodnight i hope you have fun without me until i get back from con  
TG: i love you

(context: dave texted john a very cryptic apology, john responded with about seven texts to find out what was wrong, which went unanswered by accident)  
EB: ...  
EB: oh my god the messages just sent  
TG: oh my god  
EB: you huge cutie, wth  
TG: im so sorry  
EB: it's beautiful  
TG: im crying  
TG: oh my god i just looked at all the times and they span from 10:16 pm to 12:11 am  
EB: hhahahaahah  
EB: that  
EB: thats perfect  
TG: i was doing other things but every few minutes id just say something random in case you came back  
EB: hey sorry again for bugging you  
TG: what  
TG: you never bug me  
EB: Are you sure? I feel bad for sending you like 20 messages last night making sure you were ok  
TG: your logic confuses me  
TG: youre apologizing for checking on me  
EB: well yeah i guess it's kinda dumb  
EB: but like, i was tired and overreacting  
TG: huh  
EB: but im glad you're okay and that's whats important  
TG: no i texted you apologizing for all my random fucking messages  
TG: sorry i scared you  
EB: It's alright really!  
TG: okay then shush  
EB: I don't really know why I got so worried  
TG: shooosh  
EB: ok ok  
TG: shooooooshhh  
TG: paap  
EB: honk  
TG: how about hell no  
EB: shoosh paps you back  
EB: pap pap  
TG: im okay really  
EB: ok good  
TG: love you  
TG: no homo  
TG: (2% homo)  
EB: (skim homo)  
TG: (jk more like whole homo i mean what)  
EB: (:O)  
TG: (<3)  
TG: (why are we speaking in parentheses)  
TG: *absconds*  
EB: aw come back!!  
TG: *rolls over*  
EB: bby  
EB: shoosh  
EB: *paps ur butt*  
TG: *gaay*  
TG: how is that an action wait what  
EB: pfff  
TG: *gays aggressively*  
EB: *eyebrows intensely*  
TG: *wonks seductively*  
EB: *waggles eyebrows*  
TG: *takes over russia*  
EB: wow  
TG: are you seduced yet egbert  
EB: yes  
EB: are you?  
TG: *takes off pants*  
EB: oh my god dave we are not sexting  
TG: ha ha  
TG: no  
TG: but you also cant see me so whats it to you if i take my pants off  
TG: creep  
EB: :O  
EB: fine then  
EB: take your pants off see if i care  
TG: only if you do too *wink wonk*  
TG: kidding  
EB: im actually currently taking my pants off for unrelated reasons uhh  
TG: I WAS KIDDING  
TG: GOD DAMMIT JOHN  
EB: MY BAD  
TG: you  
TG: dork  
EB: lil bit  
EB: whoops there goes my shirt too  
EB: gosh  
TG: oh my  
EB: how wmbarrassing  
EB: fff  
TG: im saving that forever  
TG: wmbarrassing  
TG: holy shit why is that even so funny  
EB: i'm crying  
TG: we cry a lot  
TG: gay the wind whispered  
EB: gaaaay  
TG: it- it's not like i like you or anything b-baka  
EB: oh well i guess ill be going then  
TG: shit no come back i love you  
TG: i mean  
TG: like  
TG: friends  
TG:  
TG: baka  
EB: suuuure  
TG: mmm hmmmmmm  
TG: so platonic up in here  
EB: 100% platonic as shit  
TG: pale like the fucking ice caps  
EB: hella platonic 4 u bro  
EB: like damn  
TG: paler than micheal jackson right now  
EB: and like  
EB: nothing else  
EB: no color none  
TG: nope  
TG: washed out like a pasty gamer  
TG: thats all im feelin man  
EB: yeah same  
TG:  
TG: this is stupid im actually fucking in love with you  
EB: oh  
EB: cool!  
EB: :)  
EB: wait are you serious  
TG: i finally confess my love and you respond with 'oh cool'  
TG: what the hell man  
EB: would it make you feel better if i said something more romantic?  
TG: i dont know  
TG: just  
TG: "oh cool" was not  
EB: I'm sorry  
TG: it was kinda anticlimactic  
EB: I  
EB: okay let's try this again  
EB: and scene  
TG: john i want to have your babies  
EB: great cause ive got major fucking dokis for you  
EB: was that better  
TG: yes  
EB: cool  
EB: dude come back from con already so i can smooch you. why are you in seattle?  
TG: i dont know but i will smooch you when i get back  
EB: Good  
EB: Hey I should go get some dinner, but I'll get in touch with you a little later  
TG: okay  
TG: later  
EB: If I don't come back until late then have a good night  
TG: woah i havent eaten all day  
TG: okay goodnight  
EB: Ahaha me neither  
EB: alright later  
EB: <3  
TG: <3

**Author's Note:**

> Don't think it's possible for actual boys to be that fuckin lame? Think again.  
> It kind of hurts me to read back over this and think "we're both fantastic writers and A English students and yet we type this shit on a regular basis"
> 
> Corbin, you're the John to my Dave. Love you babe.


End file.
